Maniac Mansion: The Day Of The Tentacle!
by Particle JT
Summary: Miniturization rays! Exploding hamsters! Old ladies being pushed down the stairs! Join three college students as they attempt to save the world in an adventure spanning 400 years! Bernard Bernoulli and Dr. Fred Edison star in: The Day Of The Tentacle!
1. Tastes like Snapple!

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___25 years ago today...__  
  
A small meteorite, the size of a basketball, crash-landed near a spooky old mansion somewhere near the West Coast.  
The tiny impact this seemingly innocent speck of space waste would leave a lasting impact on the nearby cities, as urban legends spread far and wide... stories of insanity, mad science, bad elevator music, genetic mutation, time travel, exploding hamsters, old ladies being pushed down the stairs, diabolical shrinking rays, and people with blue faces.  
For 20 years after, nobody left the mansion. The few who dared to venture inside were found in the river, horribly mutilated. Each twisted, mutated corpse had one thing in common- a completely empty skull.  
Nobody knew if these victims had their brains sucked out of their heads... or if they just had none to begin with. You'd have to be retarded to go into....  
"The Maniac Mansion".  
  
_12 years ago today..._  
Starbucks becomes a multi-million dollar corporation after an order for a metric ton of coffee beans is placed.  
The address?  
Maniac Mansion.  
  
_5 years ago today..._  
It had been ten years since the last bodies turned out in the toxic river flowing alongside Maniac Mansion. The populace had learned the sign on the fence spoke true- "Trespassers will be horribly mutilated". Little did they know that the denizens of the Mansion were getting restless... the supply of hapless adventurers on which someone was so desperately relying on was exhausting rapidly. The night before, two disembodied tentacles slowly sludged their way to pick up a very important package.  
Sandy McTiff, head cheerleader of the P.S. 420 Tunaettes.  
**Purple Tentacle:** Grr... This would be going so much faster if we had FEET...  
**Green Tentacle:** Relax, Purple, we're almost there. What's this hamster for anyway?  
**Purple Tentacle:** He said we just leave it at the door and ring the bell. Like most humans, she should easily be distracted by the cuteness of the rodent and follow it all the way back to the mansion.  
**Green Tentacle:** That Dr. Fred's a genius.  
**Purple Tentacle:** Let's just drop the thing off and get out of here before someone sees us. Remember last time someone got a snapshot of us? Every tabloid in the country was all over us! We almost got exposed! Grr... those humans and their fascination for our private lives... where's the justice?  
**Green Tentacle:** You've been in the toxic sludge again, haven't you?  
::Ding-dong::  
**Sandy:** :: in a strangely perky voice:: Who iiiiis it?  
::the hamster on the doormat is all she sees::  
**Sandy:** AWWWWW! How adorable! Come here, sweetie.  
::She lunges for the hamster, and it scampers off. Sandy gives chase, and, just as planned, the hamster goes right back to the Mansion::  
**Sandy:** I got you now!  
**Doctor Fred:** On the contrary, my pretty lab rat.... I have YOU!  
**Sandy:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!  
**Doctor Fred:** ... Remind me to send a check to your parents to pay for these eyeglasses.  
The fateful night, seven friends gathered outside the Maniac Mansion to save Sandy McTiff.  
Dave Miller, Sandy's boyfriend.  
Wendy Hemingway, disgruntled writer.  
Jeff Woodie, gnarly surfer and trivial clairvoyant.  
Michael Stopper, photographer extraordinaire.  
Sid Rotten, tone-deaf musician.  
Razor Sharpe, teenage punk rock queen.  
Bernard Bernoulli, quissential nerd.  
The seven of them would each live out their personal dreams as they bravely invaded Maniac Mansion; flushing out all its terrible secrets; outsmarting the evil Dr. Fred, the quasi-evil Nurse Edna, and the Diet-Coke-of-evil "Weird" Ed Edison; rescued Sandy from the hideous Zom-B-Matic machine, and removed the threat of the meteor for good.  
  
_2 years ago today..._  
Juan Valdez and his trusty goat retire in style after someone orders another metric ton of coffee.  
The address?  
Maniac Mansion.  
  
_Today..._  
The campus of San Martino De Isobella De Francesca De Bananananabobesca El Tres University, located just off the beaches of California.  
One dorm in particular housed three very... umm... strange roommates.  
**Hoagie: **Dammit, Bernard, turn down that Mozart! I can hardly hear myself eat!  
**Bernard:** Too loud? You bang your head against 20-foot speakers for fun!  
**Hoagie: **Yeah, but they're playing music that doesn't sound like a cat playing a harpsichord.  
**Laverne:** Has anybody seen my scalpel? I need it for dissection lab tomorrow.... ::evil grin::  
**Bernard:** Have you checked your room?  
**Laverne:** YES, Bernard. What do you think I am, some kind of twit?  
**Hoagie: **Judging from the way you walk, yes.  
**Laverne:** Who asked you? There's nothing wrong with the way I walk!  
**Bernard:** Hoagie... kinda does have a point. You always seem to be prancing around everywhere with this clueless look in your eyes.  
**Laverne:** ::sigh:: I could have taken the all-girls college... but NOOOO, I just HAD to take that anatomy class... at this rate i'll snap before I get my bachelor's degree.  
**Hoagie: **Speaking of bachelors, Bernard, you still haven't turned down your lame-o music yet.  
**Bernard:** Now wait just a minute...  
**Laverne:** My scalpel! Hoagie, you've been eating lukewarm meatloaf with MY SCALPEL! Give it back!  
**Hoagie: **No way! I'm not even half-finished yet! This is only my third helping!  
**Laverne:** Murderer.  
**Bernard:** Laverne, what are you doing?  
**Laverne:** The right thing.  
**Hoagie: **MY MEATLOAF! You threw my meatloaf out the window!  
**Laverne:** Animals weren't meant to be eaten.  
**Hoagie: **Then why do they taste so good?  
**Bernard:** Umm... Maybe you two could talk this out somewhere else...  
**Laverne and Hoagie:** SHADDAP!  
Ah yes... Bernard, Laverne, and Hoagie. A nerd, a med student, and a roadie. Odd couple plus one. Poor Bernard, always having to listen to his roommates in a shouting match every day since he moved in. Little did he know a little demon from his past was preparing to haunt him...  
  
_The day before today..._  
It's a beautiful day- the fish are jumping, the birds are singin- well, that is, until they reach the rotten air coming from the river of toxic sludge just outside of the Edison household. While deadly to humans, animals, plants, and many forms of bacteria, it will be quite beneficial to a certain... synthetic being.  
... NO! Not Cher! A DIFFERENT synthetic being!  
**Green Tentacle:** You shouldn't drink that... it looks dangerous.  
**Purple Tentacle:** Nonsense. ::slurp:: It makes me feel smarter. Stronger. More aggressive. Besides, it tastes like Snapple. ::glurp:: Why, I feel like I could...  
::Purple Tentacle begins to shake violently::  
**Green Tentacle:** Purple? Are you okay?  
**Purple Tentacle:** LlLlLiIiIikKkKe I coOoOulLlLdD...  
**Green Tentacle:** Purple, what's happening?  
::CLANKETYCLANKCLANKBUCKAWKUMPBUMPFIZZKAPOP::  
**Purple Tentacle:** ::Zoom in, Purple Tentacle strikes Dramatic Pose #37:: TAKE ON THE WORLD!  
**Green Tentacle:** You grew arms!  
**Purple Tentacle:** Pretty stylish, don't you think? With these new extremities and my superior intelligence, combined with my hatred for those worthless humans... I can... ::zoom in:: TAKE ON THE WORLD!  
**Green Tentacle:** Come again?  
**Purple Tentacle:** I want to ::zoom in:: TAKE.... ON.... THE.... WORLD!  
**Green Tentacle:** Eh?  
**Purple Tentacle:** ::sigh:: I want to conquer the earth. Run the place. be the head honcho. I.... want... to... rule... the.... world. Got it?  
**Green Tentacle:** Umm.... what was that last part?  
**Purple Tentacle:** Forget it. That's the last time I waste a dramatic villain pose on someone like you. I wonder if this is how that lab mouse with the big head feels?  
**Green Tentacle:** Narf.  
  
_Back to today... tonight, actually..._  
**Hoagie: **Could someone get the door?  
**Laverne:** Get it yourself, you're right next to it.  
**Hoagie: **That would require moving.  
**Laverne:** Grr... ::she answers the door:: Ooh, it's a hamster! Maybe I can use it for dissection lab!  
**Hoagie: **Excuse me, miss meat-is-murder? You want to off that fuzzy little guy?  
**Laverne:** It's in the name of science. Dissection teaches us, about these creatures, while meat just makes one fat and lazy.  
**Hoagie: **And the bad part is?  
**Laverne:** What were YOU planning on doing with this hamster?  
**Hoagie: **Use it for the band. Maybe we could bite its head off, or whatever...  
**Laverne:** Typical carnivore.  
**Bernard:** ::busting into the scene, to a multitude of canned applause:: oh no... it can't be... DROP THAT HAMSTER!  
**Laverne:** Freind of yours, Bernard?  
**Bernard:** vacant, huge eyes... bald spots... athlete's foot... This hamster belongs to none other than my old friend, "Weird" Ed Edison!  
**Hoagie: **Ed.... Edison?  
**Laverne:** As in Dr. FRED Edison?  
**Hoagie: **"I-suck-the-brains-out-of-cheerleaders-for-fun" Dr. Fred Edison?  
**Bernard:** Oh that was YEARS ago! Some evil meteor made him do it anyway.  
**Laverne:** A likely story.  
**Bernard:** It's from Green Tentacle! He says Purple Tentacle's mutated into an evil genius, and Dr. Fred's gonna kill them both!  
**Laverne:** At least they won't get eaten, HOAGIE.  
**Hoagie: **At least they won't be dismembered in the name of "science", LAVERNE.  
**Bernard:** This is no joke! Green's an old friend of mine!  
::Bernard strikes Dramatic Pose #21::  
**Bernard:** I thought I was done with Dr. Fred and those crazy Edisons forever. But now, I know that I must go...  
  
::dramatic pause::  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Laverne:** Anytime now, Christopher Reeve.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Hoagie: **Out with it already!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
::an hour later::  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
::two hours later::  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
::three hours and 37 minutes later::  
**Bernard:** BACK... to the MANSION!


	2. my bad?

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**Green Tentacle:** Did you get Bernard the note, little dude?  
::The little hamster nods yes::  
**Green Tentacle:** EXCELLENT! Now take this one to this address...  
**Purple Tentacle:** I thought you already SENT for help.  
::The hamster, letter in hand, zips off::  
**Green Tentacle:** I did. This next one's just backup. Just in case, y'know. I mean, maybe that meteor might come back and, y'know, fall on Bernard or something... y'know, for rocketing it into space in the trunk of an Edsel five years ago.  
**Purple Tentacle:** You idiot, that isn't what happened. The brats reported it to the Meteor Police and it was taken into custody.  
**Green Tentacle:** Wait... that wasn't it- he fed the meteor to some gigantic plant.  
**Purple Tentacle:** No, no, that wasn't it... I remember now! The Meteor became a best-selling author and moved to Tahoe.  
**Green Tentacle:** No, no... I've got it for sure now!  
::Flashback. Bernard is in the lab from five years ago, in a radiation suit. He picks up the meteor, and suddenly, the lights flash red::  
**Green Tentacle:** (in voice-over) Bernie got his hands on the meteor and was about to y'know, get rid of it, but it activated the house-explosion thingy it had put in.  
::Bernard searches frantically throughout the house for a place to put it::  
**Green Tentacle:** He tried to find a place to dump it, but by the time he thought of something, it was too late!  
::The house EXPLODES in a nuclear reaction, leaving behind a mushroom cloud::  
**Green Tentacle:** Everything within a five mile radius was completely vaporized, including us! That was totally bogus, don't you think?  
**Purple Tentacle:** ... you idiot, that didn't happen. We're still alive.  
**Green Tentacle:** Um... uh.... err..... it got better?  
**Purple Tentacle:** ::sigh:: I envy that mouse...  
**Green Tentacle:** Anyway... I wonder where Bernard is?  
::CRASH::  
**Purple Tentacle:** I think our question has just been answered.  
  
Up above, just outside the Mansion...  
**Hoagie:** That's the last time you drive, Bernard.  
**Bernard:** Oh, hush up. Green Tentacle may be mincemeat already!  
**Laverne:** If he's gone already, why bother?  
**Bernard:** Let's just go.  
::They walk up the hill to the door of the Mansion::  
**Hoagie:** So this is THE Mansion?  
**Bernard:** Yup.  
**Laverne:** Are you sure?  
**Hoagie:** Call me crazy, but this seems like some seedy third-rate motel to me.  
**Bernard:** What makes you say THAT?  
**Laverne:** The sign right above your pointy head's a start.  
::Bernard turns around- sure enough, there's a lighted sign there that says "SLEEP EAZY MOTEL". The "P" and two "E"s are blown out.::  
**Bernard:** Right. Anyway, we've still got to save Green Tentacle!  
::They go inside::  
**Bernard:** Okay, we'll spread out, commando-style.  
**Laverne:** ::Sigh::  
**Bernard:** Laverne, you go secure the area behind those double doors. Hoagie, you maintain upstairs reconnaissance. I'll maintain command HQ here, in the lobby.  
**Hoagie:** Some fearless leader.  
**Laverne:** And what are we looking for?  
**Bernard:** We need to find where Dr. Fred is hiding those tentacles!  
**Laverne:** This better not take too long. I've got an anatomy final tomorrow.  
**Hoagie:** And i've got a stage to set later tonight. If i'm late, I don't get to test the drums.  
::The two enter their assigned areas, leaving Bernard alone in the lobby.::  
**Bernard:** If I know Dr. Fred, he's got the Tentacles holed up somewhere in his secret lab. Question is, where's his secret lab?  
::The house had been renovated since five years ago. The painted sign saying "Secret Lab" is long gone.::  
**Bernard:** Okay now... there's a flier for a vacuum cleaner store... a Help Wanted sign, my old friend Chuck the plant, (My, how he's grown!) a wad of spearmint gum stuck to the floor, a fun little bell on the desk, an out-of-order pay phone, a suspicious old clock... THAT'S IT!  
::Bernard walks over to... the pay phone::  
**Bernard:** I remember this trick from the last game! If I press the right combination of buttons, the door should open! Well, let's start from the beginning... 0-0-0-0.... nope, that isn't it. 0-0-0-1... that isn't it either..... 0-0-0-2... nope... 0-0-0-3.... aw, rats...  
**Purple Tentacle:** ::From below:: We're down here, you worthless idiot savant! Behind the clock!  
**Bernard:** Oh.... my mistake...  
::Bernard goes over to the clock and opens it up... then suddenly goes back and checks the coin return on the pay phone::  
**Bernard:** Ooh, a dime! 1952!  
::Then he goes back over to the clock::  
**Bernard:** A secret passageway... this is all too easy!  
::THWACK::  
**Bernard:** Ow... stupid small passageway...  
  
::Now, we go to Hoagie upstairs.::  
**Hoagie:** ::Talking to himself:: Check it out, a honeymoon suite, complete with peephole! Let's just have a gander inside, shall we?  
::He looks inside the peephole... and sees the fattest, sweatiest man to ever exist sleeping VERY soundly::  
**Hoagie:** I guess that's the last time she asks HIM to get on top...  
::He keeps walking down the hall, and guess who he runs into...::  
**Hoagie:** Laverne? How did you get upstairs?  
::Laverne has a dazed look in her face and a certain dullness in her voice. She's in one of her... stages.. again... but we'll get to that later::  
**Laverne:** Am I upstairs? I got lost.  
**Hoagie:** Seen any tentacles?  
**Laverne:** What's a tentacle?  
**???:** Oh, just something I whipped up in my spare time.  
::That's right- it just wouldn't be Maniac Mansion without good ol' Dr. Fred. The scrawny scientist rounds the corner and meets the two confused co-eds. His skin has changed from a sickening sky blue to a healthy puke green since the meteor was inexplicably defeated by Bernard and friends... but more on that later.::  
**Doctor Fred:** Made good pets, actually- until one of them tried to take over the world...  
**Hoagie:** I once had a snake that tried to do that.  
**Laverne:** ::Back to her cynical self:: That was a dream, Hoagie.  
**Hoagie:** But it felt so real!  
**Laverne:** Oh, please. There's no way some slimy, no-legged creature could EVER take over the world.  
**Doctor Fred:** Anyway... I had to tie the little buggers up in the basement.  
**Laverne:** Good thing you told us that.  
**Hoagie:** Yeah. Bernard wanted us to set them free.  
**Doctor Fred:** Thank God you weren't THAT stupi-..... did you say.... Bernard?  
**Hoagie:** Yea, I di-  
**Doctor Fred:** TO THE LAB! Not a moment to lose!  
  
**Bernard:** Okay, you're free to go!  
**Green Tentacle:** Thanks, Bernard.  
**Purple Tentacle:** Yes... thanks, naive human...  
**Bernard:** Wait a second... you never knew words like-  
**Purple Tentacle:** Now I must go finish TAKING OVER THE WORLD! MWA HA HA!  
::Purple hops out of the dark laboratory, leaving behind small circles of slime in his trial::  
**Bernard:** Oh... I forgot... he's incredibly evil, isn't he?  
**Green Tentacle:** I- i'll try to talk him out of it....  
::Green hops off after Purple::  
**Bernard:** Well... what harm can one insane, mutant tentacle do?  
  
**TV news anchor Gary Pinhead:** We interrupt this fanfic for this urgent message. This just in- a rash of cow tipping across the countryside has police baffled. Witnesses have caught glimpses of a triangular man in one attack on a dairy farm in scenic Gullwump, Washington. More on this story as it develops. We return you now to your fanfic.  
  
::CLICK::  
**Doctor Fred:** WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THIS TIME, YOU MEDDLING MILQUETOAST?  
**Bernard:** Hey, Dr. Fred! Your skin's looking much better!  
**Doctor Fred:** It was bad enough when you invaded my house five years ago... you broke my arcade games, stole parts out of my radio, ate me out of house and home, splattered hamster guts all over my microwave... but NOW YOU'VE DONE IT! Thanks to you, Purple Tentacle is free to use his evil mutant powers to take over the world and ENSLAVE ALL HUMANITY!  
**Bernard:** ........... my bad?  
**Doctor Fred:** Our only hope now is to shut off this Sludge-O-Matic machine and prevent the toxic mutagen from entering the river!  
**Bernard:** But isn't it too late for that?  
**Doctor Fred:** Of course! That's why I'm going to have to do it...  
::Dr. Fred strikes dramatic pose #81::  
**Doctor Fred:** YESTERDAY! Come, boy! To the time machine!  



	3. Float over here so I can punch you

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**Laverne:** This is all YOUR fault, Bernard.  
**Dr. Fred:** Children- I give you… the CHRON-O-JOHN!  
::Bernard, Laverne and Hoagie all peek out of the windows of their respective port-a-potty portals.::  
**Dr. Fred: ** Isn't it beautiful? My greatest invention… the academy called me crazy! They called me insane! They called me COLLECT! "Save a buck or two" my little green-  
**Bernard:** Doctor Fred, why are we in these portable toilets again?  
**Dr. Fred: ** Don't you understand, boy? The three of you must travel back in time to turn off the machine before that pesky tentacle can drink that toxic sludge and take over the world!  
**Hoagie:** Never thought I'd have to hear someone say THAT again.  
**Laverne: ** Can't we just send Bernard? I mean, he IS responsible for the imminent destruction of mankind…  
**Hoagie: ** Never thought I'd have to hear someone say THAT again.  
**Dr. Fred:** Excellent point, young lady, but you must all go- to increase the chances that one of you will make it there alive!  
**Hoagie:** Well, why don't YOU go? It IS your funky-looking pet.  
**Dr. Fred:** Nonsense! I'm the only one here with the awesome brainpower required to operate the time machine!  
**Laverne: ** Doctor Fred, it's just a stripped Buick with a diamond and a lever attached.  
**Dr. Fred:** That's what they all said… but it's actually very complicated, and I'dexplainitsoperationtoyouiftherewasanyhopeofyourtinyunevolvedmindsofeverunderstandingitnowlet'sGOalready!  
::Dr. Fred prepares to throw the switch…::  
**Bernard:** Wait!  
**Dr. Fred:** OH, WHAT IS IT?  
**Bernard:** Umm… have any people ever been… hurt in this thing?  
**Dr. Fred:** Of course not!  
::Bernard, Laverne, and Hoagie breathe a collective sigh of relief::  
**Dr. Fred:** This is the first time I've ever tried it on people!  
**Laverne and Hoagie:** WHAT?  
::SWITCH!::  
  
**Hoagie: ** Bernard, float over here so I can punch you.  
::After the shock of being folded up, crumpled, and ripped apart like a telephone book in the hands of Janet Reno by the circuits of time, the three unfortunate undergrads had stumbled to the windows of their johns to take a look at the strange goings-on outside them…::  
**Bernard:** Where are we?  
::The three toilets seem to hover ethereally as they zip through the hypnotic portals of time- a lovely blue-and-black circular décor, rife with floating eyeballs, mathematical equations, and other strange floating objects.::  
**Laverne:** This must be that Woodstock place Mom and Dad were always talking about.  
::A cat with a white stripe painted down its back flies past for no apparent reason, followed by a ticking watch::  
**Hoagie:** What could it all mean? I've had acid trips more coherent than this.  
**Bernard:** I don't know…  
::An old lady in a rotating chair flies past::  
**Old Lady In A Rotating Chair:** TEEheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!  
**Bernard:** I don't WANT to know…  
**Laverne:** Thanks a lot, Bernard. We're probably not going to live to see yesterday.  
::a Purple-Tentacle-looking-thing with a long white beard wielding a ray gun floats by::  
** Purple-Tentacle-looking-thing with a long white beard wielding a ray gun: ** Ha ha ha… die, DIE!  
**Laverne:** See?  
**Bernard:** Now, now… I'm sure Dr. Fred wouldn't have done this if it weren't safe. I mean, after all, he IS a doctor…  
**  
Dr. Fred:** IT WORKED! I can't BELIEVE IT! Those fools said imitation diamond wasn't good enough… but who's crazy NOW? Who's MAD NOW!?  
::He is. The "diamond" at the heart of the machine decides to take this rather inappropriate moment to shatter in its hold, thus ensuring that we have enough of a plotline to justify our budget.::  
**Dr. Fred:** Uh-oh…  
::SWITCH::   
**Dr. Fred:** Ooh, those lawsuits are going to be nasty… where's that meteor when you need it?  
  
::With the power source gone, the Chron-o-Johns go haywire within the circuits of time! Our heroes are careening through the fifth dimension at Ludicrous Speed! Hurtling towards their certain doom!! Exclamation points cannot do justice to the situation our heroes are in, but we're using them anyway!!! Look at them!!!! Accept them before they destrooooyyy you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-::  
  
_(The writers responsible for the excessive exclamation points have been sacked. We apologize for any heart attacks caused by the worldwide panic sure to be caused by such a display of shock and punctuation horror. We now return you to your regularly scheduled disaster.  
~The Management)_  
  
::Okay. Johns. Haywire. Careening. Doom. Action!::  
**Bernard: ** WAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!  
**Laverne:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!  
**Hoagie:** GNARLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!  
::The tunnel splits in three, each john ever-so-conveniently going down one of them.::  
**Bernard:** Oh, Einstein, what should I do?  
**Laverne:** I can't believe I won't even outlive HOAGIE…  
**Hoagie:** Mauna Loa, eat your heart out! WOOOOOHOO!  
::Oh, but where will these hapless half-wits end up? Find out after this short break!::  
  
**Gary Pinhead:** This just in- the Froofroo Diamond has been stolen- I repeat, the famous Froofroo Diamond, the less famous cousin of the Hopeless Diamond and the Klopman Diamond, has been stolen. Reports from the scene indicate that the priceless artifact has been stolen by a giant squid, as evidenced by the suction marks left by the culprit. We'll have a composite sketch for you later, but for now, the LAPD has ordered the closing of all seafood restaurants until the diamond is found. We'll have more for you at 11:00.  



	4. Meanwhile!

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::a tiny little hamster zips across the countryside, a letter clamped in its adorable little jaws as he rapidly scurries to his destination, wherever it is. Godspeed, little rodent, and here's hoping your trek somehow finds some relevance in this haphazard collection of events that somehow expects to pass as a story.::  
  
::and now, back to our adventure, already in progress.::  



	5. How'd you get in the toilet?

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::SHA-CRASH!::  
::Bernard Bernoulli comes to in a very dark and frightening place.::  
**Bernard: ** What… who… where am I?  
::As he struggles to move, he finds himself in a shallow pool of water… the only visible thing being the light shining down from the hole above him.::  
**Eerie Voice:** Come up to the light…  
**Bernard:** What… NO! It… it can't be!  
**Eerie Voice:** Come up to the light…  
**Bernard:** I mean, I thought an afterlife was possible, but I never realized it'd be this clichéd…  
**Eerie Voice:** You moron…  
::An arm reaches out of the hole and drags Bernard back into reality. As it turns out, he wasn't dead, but just in the toilet of the Chron-O-John, and was dragged up by Dr. Fred. How anticlimactic.::  
**Dr. Fred:** ::sigh:: Cheap mail-order jewels…  
Bernard: Dr. Fred! How did you get to the past?  
**Dr. Fred:** You pocket-protector pinhead- I'm not in the past- you're in the present! Your john materialized here just a minute after I threw the switch!  
**Bernard:** Wow… a whole minute into the future… I feel just like Carlos Castaneda!  
**Dr. Fred:** That would explain quite a bit if you were.  
**Bernard:** ::Slowly realizing that only one john returned:: umm… Dr. Fred… when are Hoagie and Laverne coming back?  
**Dr. Fred:** Well, my dials report that the larger specimen made it back here 199 years and 364 days ahead of schedule… while the ditzy one is going to be late by 200 years and a day! There's laziness for you…  
**Bernard:** Well, throw the switch and bring them back, we have to save the world!  
**Dr. Fred:** I will, I will… but first I need a new diamond!  
**Bernard:** Now is not the time to be thinking about jewelry-  
**Dr. Fred:** FOR THE MACHINE, YOU RHESUS MONKEY!  
**Bernard: ** … oh… right.  
**Dr. Fred: ** Like I was saying, all I need is a new diamond for the machine. Then all your buddies have to do is plug in their respective johns and-  
**Bernard:** PLUG THEM IN? Where's Hoagie going to find an electrical outlet TWO HUNDRED YEARS IN THE PAST?  
**Dr. Fred:** WILL YOU STOP SAYING STU- oh… wait, you're right… well, he'll be needing my state-of-the-art super battery then, won't he?  
**Bernard:** Plans? How are we going get plans to someone who was alive two hundred years ago? Don't you know it's scientifically impossible to travel back in- oh, right.  
**Dr. Fred:** Don't worry me with details, boy! Just get me those plans! I know they're in this house somewhere!  
::Exit Dr. Fred.::  
**Bernard:** Ooh… NOW what am I going to do?  
::Enter Dr. Fred::  
**Dr. Fred:** I thought I made myself perfectly clear! Step one: Find plans. Step two: Save world. Step three: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Now, let's get cracking!  
::Exit Dr. Fred.::  
**Bernard:** Okay… ::wandering around the lab, Bernard tries to piece together the recent goings-on.:: Now, where could those plans be? I mean, knowing Dr. Fred, he probably has it in the most obvious place in the world… but where could THAT be?  
::Bernard walks up the steps, intent on searching the mansion for as long as it takes to find Dr. Fred's secret battery plans, which are actually on the bulletin board on the side wall right next to the steps.::  
**Bernard:** This could take me all night….  
::And so, Bernard begins his long trek to search for the- aw, screw it, we don't have time for this. HEY, BERNARD!::  
**Bernard: ** Who said that?  
::It's me, the narrator. You've got too much to do to waste your time traipsing about the mansion.::  
**Bernard:** What? What do you mean?  
::Listen up. The plans are right next to you.::  
**Bernard:** How do you figure?  
::Turn your head to the left.::  
**Bernard:** Okay.  
::YOUR OTHER LEFT!::  
**Bernard:** Right… I knew that. Hey, it's Dr. Fred's plans for a super-battery! Apparently, it's capable of storing one gigavolt with a charging time of .01 seconds!  
::It also goes great with salads.::  
**Bernard:** Wowee! ::grab:: I've got the plans, Dr. Fred!  
::Enter Dr. Fred, stage right::  
**Dr. Fred:** Excellent! Quick, we've got to flush them to Hoagie!  
**Bernard:** Flush?  
::Bernard follows Dr. Fred to the Chron-o-john.::  
**Dr. Fred:** My ingenious design for the world's most delicious super-battery, please.  
**Bernard:** Here you go, but I don't see how you're going to get them to-  
::FLUSH::  
**Bernard:** You flushed them!  
**Dr. Fred:** Right!  
**Bernard: ** Down the toilet!  
**Dr. Fred: ** Wrong! Through TIME! Pay attention: Using the highly sophisticated Time-Flux Hydraulic Vortex Chamber I've installed in each john, you can flush small, inanimate objects to each other through time!  
  
_200 years from today…_  
**Dr. Fred's distant voice:** … flush small inanimate objects to each other through time!  
**Laverne:** Hello? Dr. Fred, is that you?  
::No answer.::  
**Laverne:** Drat. It's a good thing I'm 200 years in the future… and hanging from my skirt twelve feet in the air on a tree branch… otherwise I'd give Bernard such a stabbing… if my therapist and I didn't have that agreement… ::sigh:: stupid brain.  
**Laverne's Brain:** Hey!  
  
**Bernard:** Did you hear something?  
**Dr. Fred:** Of course not! Now, let's see if umm… what's-his-name catches on.  
  
_200 years ago today…_  
::Hoagie can be seen searching the Chron-o-john for an "on" switch   
**Hoagie:** How do I turn this thing on? I wanna ride again!  
**Dr. Fred's distant voice:** Hoagie!  
**Hoagie: ** Dr. Fred? How'd you get in the toilet?  
**Dr. Fred's distant voice: ** I want you to pick up those plans you see in the Chron-o-john!  
**Hoagie: ** Will they show me how to ride this thing again?  
**Dr. Fred's distant voice:** "Ride"? What do you me- … umm… yes! Of course they will! Just bring them to Red Edison! He's my great, great, great, great, great, great, great…  
  
**Dr. Fred: ** …great, great, great, grandfather! He'll know what to do!  
**Hoagie's distant voice:** Got it.  
::The light in the toilet disappears- the plans have been taken.::  
**Dr. Fred:** Good boy. Say, Bernard… does he have any experience with electronics?  
**Bernard: ** Um… I once saw him take three thousand volts directly through his head without batting an eye…  
**Dr. Fred:** Really? Didn't he pass out?  
**Bernard:** Well, he was already passed out at the time.  
**Dr. Fred: ** Interesting. Well, until we establish contact with the other, we've got to get to work looking for a diamond.  
**Bernard:** Where are we going to find a diamond that size, anyway?  
**Dr. Fred:** I'm sure you'll think of something. Now, where's my coffee?  
**  
Hoagie:** … time for me to save the world, I guess.  
::Oh, dear lord…::  



	6. Funk punk folk polka house grunge rock

Attention readers

-6-

_Attention readers: Due to unauthorized interference with the plotline, our original narrator has been sacked. Now, his replacement._  
**Joe Leahy: ** Hello, viewers! I have work again. Isn't that grand?  
_Okay, Joe. Let's pick up from where Mitch left off._  
  
**Joe Leahy: ** With plans firmly in hand, our hero, Hoagie, goes off in search of Red Edison to-  
_Wait, wait. You're doing it wrong, Joe._  
**Joe Leahy: ** What? What do you mean?  
_You're not a character in the story, you don't use your name. You need to use brackets. ::Like this.::_  
::Like this?::  
_Yes, that's fine. Okay, let's take it from the top._  
  
::With plans firmly in hand, our hero, Hoagie, goes off in search of Red Edison to create a super-battery that would go good with a nice clam chowder and send him back to the present.::  
**Hoagie: ** ::wondering to himself:: Why did I have to go to the past, anyway? Laverne's probably having herself a grand old time in the future, with ray guns and flying cars and everyone dressing the same shiny outfits... ::sigh::  
  
**Laverne: ** Don't mind me, people. I'll just be hanging around in this kumquat tree until someone decides to put me back in the story.  
::Aww, poor Laverne. Maybe someone should give her a hand.::  
_We're watching you, Joe.  
~The Management_  
::... right. Anyway, back to Hoagie...::  
  
**Hoagie: ** Okay... ::regrouping:: tentacles are taking over the world, i'm stuck in colonial times, and I need to find this Red Edison guy to get back home. Sounds like a rapidly thickening plot...  
::With that, he enters ye olde mansion- where he is greeted by, of all things, a mummy. But this is no ordinary mummy, no sir... we are in the presence of the legendary Dead Cousin Ted, whose mummified form has influenced history in ways you couldn't imagine. Why, I myself owe my life to this truly wonderful man, and i'd repay the favor if he wasn't... well, dead. But that's another story.::  
**Hoagie: ** Cool, the room clerk's a mummy.  
::Taking a look around, he reaches over to grab Ted.::  
**Hoagie: ** This would be cool for the band- maybe I could put him on the drums   
**Ted: ** ....  
**Hoagie: ** Aw, never mind. That wouldn't be respectful.  
::How nice of him.::  
**Hoagie:** Besides, he'd probably steal all the groupies. Wouldn't you, man?   
**Ted:** ....  
**Hoagie: ** Not gonna say anything, huh? Vow of silence or whatever?  
**Ted: **...  
**Hoagie: ** That's cool. Say, mummy-dude, i'm looking for Red Edison.  
**Ted:** ....  
**Hoagie: ** You wouldn't happen to be him, would you?  
**Ted: **....  
**Hoagie: ** I didn't think so. You know, that's a great hat. Totally dig the three-corner idea. Kinda piratey, y'know? All that thing needs is a skull-and-crossbones and you could rule the high seas with the best of 'em. Say, ever see that movie, "The Secret Of Monkey Island"? That Guybrush dude was a real wimpazoid, don't you think? Probably because they got that Di-crappio dude to play him. Totally heinous. You know, I know some dudes in a band who'd eat roaches for a hat like that... of course, they'd probably eat roaches anyway. Maybe with a little chocolate sauce. Anyway, they're called "Insensitive Spitoon". Ever heard of them? They're heavily inspired by the works of Moon Wolf Rocket Limbo and Limpid Harmonica. Yeah, they're a driving force in the funk punk folk polka house grunge rock scene. You hear about their drummer? You know, Hans Brickface? He doesn't have any arms, so he has to drum with his teeth. It's wicked, man. Say, know where I could get a couple of them hats, extra big? There's probably a store somewhere where you can buy them in all sots of colors- maybe they have something in a paisley... Say, how do you decide which end is the front, anyway? Or are there competing fashions of tri-corner wear, or something? That one you have on is pretty cool- you wouldn't consider parting with it, would you?  
**Ted: **__ shut up...  
**Hoagie: ** What?  
**Ted: ** .......  
**Hoagie: ** No dice, eh? Well, that's cool. Let me know if you change your mind. Later, dude!  
::Hoagie shrugs, and proceeds past the clock containing the path to the secret lab and up the stairs. See? I didn't clue him in like some substandard narrators do. That's why i'm such a hot commodity in the narrating field. I'm like the Kenny Loggins of the narrating world- you won't see me going and sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. It's about time I started getting paid more, too. I mean, if i'm-  
**Ted:** _ shut up..._  
::... What was that?::  
**Ted: ** ....  
::Ookay. Anyway, let's rejoin Hoagie upstairs, where he's just barged in on an important point in American history...  
**Betsy Ross: ** Grr! I told you already, i'll get to the flag NEXT! I've got to finish these tea cozies for Queen Beatrix by tonight! ::sigh:: Damn that Earlameyer... what kind of pirate steals tea cozies? ::sigh:: If I ever see that pink hat of his, i'll-  
**Hoagie:** Whoa there, take your time.  
**Betsy Ross:** DON'T YOU DARE tell me you've got another design change for the flag.  
**Hoagie:** .... i've got another design change for the flag.  
**Betsy Ross: ** ARRGH! What is it THIS TIME?  
**Hoagie: ** Hmm...  
::A chance to personally design the country's flag? Would Hoagie truly be that irresponsible, changing history to suit his own immature desires?::  
**Hoagie: ** It should have a babe in a leather bikini, swinging a broadaxe.  
::You got it, sister.::  
**Betsy Ross: ** You men... ::sigh:: At this point i'll do anything just to get it over with. Just put whatever idea you've got on the table and i'll get right to it.  
**Hoagie: ** Ooh! It'd be cool if it had a mummy on it, with a pirate hat on.  
**Betsy Ross: ** Just put it on the table.  
**Hoagie: ** Sweet.  
  
::Hoagie waddles back down the stairs, past Ted,::  
**Hoagie: ** 'ey, Ted.  
**Ted:**...  
::and into the room behind the double-doors. Sitting at a nearby table are two rather regal-looking men. One looks like he's freezing to death, the other... looks quite familiar...::  
**Hoagie:** If I had a nickel for every time i've seen that face...  
::He walks over::  
**Hoagie: ** Hey there, tall-dark-and-spiffy, my name's Hoagie.  
**Thomas Jefferson: ** "Hoagie"? How quaint. I am, of course, Thomas Jefferson- noted scholar, musician, horseman, student of the sciences, member of the bar...  
**Hoagie: ** Weren't you on the two-dollar bill?  
**Thomas Jefferson: ** Oh, for the last time, Adams said he'd put it on his tab! No wonder why he's so obnoxious and disliked...  
**Hoagie: ** Say... has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser?  
**Thomas Jefferson: ** It's my forte. I studied at Virginia Coat and Technical, where I majored in collar theory. I was even captain of the varsity cravat team!  
**Hoagie:** I loved your work in the Declaration of Independence.  
**Thomas Jefferson: ** Really? What was your favorite part?  
**Hoagie: ** The whole thing about Prudence, actually.  
**Thomas Jefferson: ** "Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should-"  
**Hoagie: ** Yeah, that's it... but one thing, though.  
**Thomas Jefferson:** What?  
**Hoagie: ** Who's Prudence?  
**Thomas Jefferson: ** ::sigh:: Forget it.  
**Hoagie:** What's in the can there, Tommy?  
**Thomas Jefferson:** It's Thomas, and this here is a time capsule. I'm going to fill it with remembrances of this time and bury it outside tonight, where nobody will see it for 400 years.  
**Hoagie:** What's gonna be in it?  
**Thomas Jefferson:** Well, all we have now is this log...  
**John Hancock:** Seriously, Thomas, what are future generations g-g-g-g-going to do with a log?  
**Thomas Jefferson:** Oh, stop your whining.  
**Hoagie: ** Hey, is that THE Constitution you have there?  
**Thomas Jefferson:** ::sigh:: it's just A Constitution right now... we ran out of ideas already, so we've put up a suggestion box.  
**Hoagie:** Cool. Say, what's with the guy next to you? Poor circulation or something?  
**John Hancock:** Can't anyone tell how c-c-c-c-cold it is in here?  
**Hoagie: ** Why don't you put that log on the fire for 'im?  
**Thomas Jefferson: ** What? And ruin it for posterity?  
**John Hancock: ** MY posterity f-f-f-feels like it's made of ice!  
**Thomas Jefferson:** There you go, always thinking about YOURSELF again...  
**John Hancock: ** ::sigh:: I b-b-bet if George "I-spent-the-winter-in-Valley-Forge" Washington were cold, we'd g-g-g-get some heat here...  
**Hoagie: ** That's an awesome blanket you got there.  
**John Hancock: ** Th-thank you- it was given to me by my dear colorblind Aunt Hattie. ::sigh::  
**Hoagie:** Say, you wouldn't know anything about a Red Edison, would you?  
**John Hancock: ** A r-r-r-red edison? Sounds like a sandwich.  
**Hoagie: ** No, it's this guy i'm looking for.  
**John Hancock: ** N-n-nonsense. Imagine someone named after a s-s-sandwich....  
**Hoagie:** ::sigh:: well, gotta motor.  
**John Hancock: ** You got a what?  
::A frustrated Hoagie waddles his way back to the lobby::  
**Hoagie:** Great. That Red Edison guy doesn't even live here. ::shrug:: Well, at least it's another two hundred years before that tentacle takes over the world.... It's not like this is such a bad place, either... Maybe i'll just stay here with this mummy-dude...  
**Ted:** __... inside... clock... moron....  
**Hoagie: **What?  
**Ted:** .....  
**Voice from inside the clock: ** YEOWCH!  
**Hoagie:** ... or I could go in there.  
  
**Red Edison: ** A left-handed hammer, what was I THINKING? ::sigh:: Now i'm going to need to invent something to stop this painful swelling... ::sigh:: I've got to figure out SOMETHING to whip up for the boys at the convention....  
**Hoagie:** What about this?  
::Coming from out of nowhere, Hoagie decides to skip the introductions and give the plans to a guy who is probably Red Edison.::  
**Red Edison: ** Oh, thank you. Now, back to your cage, monkey, before you contract something. Hmm... a super-battery, eh? Brilliant design! Sometimes I amaze myself...  
::Hoagie starts to leave.::  
**Red Edison: ** Hold on there... if you could be a good boy, I still need three things for my super-battery- oil, vinegar, and some gold.  
**Hoagie: ** If I got some gold, why wouldn't I just keep it for myself?  
**Red Edison: ** Because i'll give you a reward or something for giving it to me. Now go!  
**Hoagie: ** But I want something now.  
**Red Edison: ** Ooooooh! Just- take this! ::he chucks a wooden hammer at Hoagie. It hits him square on the head, with no noticeable effect:: It's a left-handed hammer. I invented it for my ungrateful left-handed slob of a son... but looking at you, i'm sure you'll have some use for it- just don't break anything VALUABLE.  
**Hoagie: ** Umm, thanks, I guess.  
::Now armed with a hammer, Hoagie sets off once again to save the world by collecting random, obscure items in an 18th century mansion. Say, that sounds like quite an idea for a game show....::  
  
**Gary Pinhead: ** This just in- the Froofroo Diamond has been RESCUED by a small, slimy creature identifying itself as "Purple Tentacle". Polls are already soaring in favor of Mr. Tentacle, despite some claims that a walking, talking disembodied tentacle is scientifically impossible. We'll have more for you later.  
  
**John Hancock: ** Ooh, I got it! Maybe we should add a rule that you can't dump sludge into the water supply!  
**Thomas Jefferson: ** Nonsense. What sort of fool would do that in the first place?  
**John Hancock: ** ::sigh:: You're right...


	7. And I'll be here drinking my coffee

-7-  
  
**Bernard:** We have to DO something!  
**Dr. Fred:** What do you suggest, college-boy? No diamond for the central unit; no power for the Chron-o-johns; a monster of my own making roaming the countryside taking over the world... oh, it's a dark day for mad science! There's nothing we can do, NOTHING!  
**Bernard:** Maybe we could just unpollute the river...  
**Dr. Fred: **Where have you been these past four chapters? It's too late to turn off the Sludge-o-matic! Purple Tentacle has already drank the mutagen and-  
**Bernard:** Wait, wait, wait- "Sludge-o-matic"? You mean all this machine does is produce toxic waste?  
**Dr. Fred:** Mad scientist ettiquette, boy! Nobody can have a high-tech secret lab like this and not generate poisonous filth! It's our CODE!  
**Bernard:** But it's stupid! It's insane! It's twisted! It's-  
**Dr. Fred:** Mad?  
**Bernard:** ...I see your point. Listen, Doctor, why don't we just get out there and catch Purple Tentacle? I mean, how fast can he really go?  
**Dr. Fred:** Oh, he's long gone... probably taking over the world as we speak!  
  
**Gary Pinhead:** Tentacle re-unites Van Halen! More for you at 11.  
  
**Dr. Fred:** It's all over... soon we'll all be speaking... umm... well...... English, I suppose...  
**Bernard:** Well, how about we go about fixing the time machine?  
**Dr. Fred:** I will! But it won't work without a diamond! How do you suppose we get a rock that size, especially at this time of night?  
**Bernard:** ... home shopping network?  
**Dr. Fred:** You know, that could almost be considered a good idea if we had the money...  
**Bernard:** Waaait... what about the residuals from that show they made about you and your family?  
**Dr. Fred:** THAT load of manure? They almost made US pay THEM for airing that stinker! Ever since the meteor incident, we've had to rent our mansion out as a hotel just to make ends meet! If it weren't for Edna's exotic dancing, there wouldn't even be... wait... what DID she do with that money? ::sigh:: knowing where it's been, i'm surprised anyone took it...  
**Bernard:** True... but didn't the computer game about you and that meteor sell millions? You should be loaded from that thing!  
**Dr. Fred:** Yes, that was quite the lucrative affair- ::mutter::if only i'd signed that contract in time...  
**Bernard:** Contract?  
**Dr. Fred:** ::sigh:: I guess I should tell you... the royalty contract for the game. There it was, laid out for me in black and white... and I forgot to sign it in time. I just put it in my safe and let it rot. In fact, I think it's still there.  
**Bernard:** We have a time machine, though...  
**Dr. Fred: **Yes, but we can't get it to work unless we get the money for a diamond! ::sigh:: If only you were sent to the past...  
::And suddenly, it hit Bernard like a sack of hamsters.::  
**Bernard:** But.... HOAGIE'S in the past... THAT'S IT! Doctor Fred, all we have to do is get the contract out of the safe so you can sign it, then "flush" it to Hoagie and find some way for him to get it to the company on time! Then you'll have the money for the diamond, we can fix the machine, and SAVE THE WORLD!  
**Dr. Fred:** Well, technichally, we could...  
::But what goes up...::  
**Bernard:** ::dramatic pose #44:: To the safe!  
::... must come down.::  
**Dr. Fred:** if I hadn't forgotten the combination...  
**Bernard:** ... what?  
::and it all came crashing down, like a... sack... of... umm... wet hamsters.::  
**Dr. Fred:** ::sigh:: in my trauma, I forgot the combination to the safe.  
**Bernard:** But that's.... that's... that's STUPID, Doctor Fred!  
**Dr. Fred:** I know! It's given my enormous brain nightmares! Every night, I dreamed of opening the safe, finding something horrible inside, and slamming it shut again... over and over...  
**Bernard:** What could be THAT horrible?  
**Dr. Fred:** Most of the time it was Edna's exotic dancing...  
**Bernard:** ::shudder:: I... see your point. ::gag:: So is that why you drink so much coffee?  
**Dr. Fred:** I haven't slept in two years! In fact, i've almost beaten my own record!  
**Bernard:** Well, i'm going to find some way to get us that combination!  
**Dr. Fred:** Good luck. But this time, don't touch any keypads! There's still pieces of the mansion to clean up from the LAST time you blew up the house.  
**Bernard:** What? That never happened!  
**Dr. Fred:** It didn't? Are you sure?  
**Bernard: **If I did, wouldn't we all be dead?  
**Dr. Fred:** ... it could get better...  
**Bernard:** ::sigh:: Well, i'm going to get to work on saving the world.  
**Dr. Fred:** and i'll be here drinking my coffee.  
**Bernard:** FINE.  
  
::Searching now for a way to get to the combination of the safe, Bernard begins to search the mansion.::  
**Bernard:** Maybe I can find a clue in Purple Tentacle's room...  
::and so, he goes there. My, this is an easy job. and mother was always criticising me, saying i'd never make a living in this business. Well, guess what? I've almost made enough to move into my own apartment! How about that, mom? Huh?  
Oh... back to our story.::  
**Bernard:** Green!  
**Green Tentacle:** Oh, hey, Bernard!  
**Bernard:** What are you doing up here?  
**Green Tentacle: **Well, Purple went off to take over the world, and i'm afraid of what he'll do to me if he catches me- unless Dr. Fred finds me first... um..... does that answer your question?  
**Bernard:** Umm, yeah. Hey! Wanna help me save the world?  
**Green Tentacle:** Are you rabid? I won't even leave this room. In fact, i'm frightened to even move from this spot! Purple scares the daylights out of me!  
**Bernard:** What do you suppose Purple's up to now?  
**Green Tentacle:** Well, he wants to take over the world, so I bet it's something devious.  
**Bernard:** Conducting cryogenic experiments on small animals?  
**Green Tentacle: **No...  
**Bernard:** Desigining a miniturization ray?  
**Green Tentacle:** No, I don't think so?  
**Bernard:** Pushing old ladies down the stairs?  
**Green Tentacle:** Well, I wouldn't doubt it, but I was thinking more along the lines of... politics!  
  
Meanwhile, at the White House,  
**President Nontoonyt:** AAARG! I can't BELIEVE IT!  
**Chief Adviser Pinto:** I'm afraid it's true, Mr. President... your polls are in the toilet.  
**President Nontoonyt:** Who? Why? HOW?  
**Chief Adviser Pinto:** Well, it could be due to Vice-president Pond Scumley's meeting with the Taliban in that Buddhist temple while doing a line of coke and exposing himself to that intern...  
**President Nontoonyt:** Don't we have people to cover up that sort of thing?  
**Cheif Adviser Pinto:** We would, if he hadn't done it on live television.  
**President Nontoonyt:** AARG!  
**Cheif Adviser Pinto:** Did you forget your pills again?  
**President Nontoonyt:** ... I tell you, I don't NEED those things! My heart's just- GAAACK!  
**Cheif Adviser Pinto:** Just a second, i'll go run to the cabinet.  
**President Nontoonyt:** You ARE the cabinet!  
**PR Head Cheese:** ::barging in:: Mister President! Turn on the TV!  
**President Nontoonyt:** For the last time, Mr. Cheese, I refuse to watch Dawson's Creek with you!  
**PR Head Cheese:** No! This is what you're looking for! Watch!  
::Cheese turns on the Oval Office TV::  
**Gary Pinhead:** This just in- Purple Tentacle edges out Nelson Mandela and Jesus Christ for SLIME's Man Of The Millenium award. An unknown before tonight, Mr. Tentacle has successfully rescued the Froofroo Diamond, reunited Van Halen, solved the mystery of Stonehenge, created a super-battery that goes well with a nice clam chowder, and cured carpal tunnel syndrome all within the past few hours. The most popular man in the country, unscientific polls show that 99% of America supports Mr. Tentacle, while only 7% does not. Who knows what could be next for this incredible citizen?  
**President Nontoonyt:** I'll tell you what's next- PINTO!  
**Cheif Adviser Pinto:** Yes, sir?  
**President Nontoonyt:** Bring me Purple Tentacle!  
  
**Bernard:** So... how's the band doing?  
**Green Tentacle:** Green T and the Sushi Platter? We're doing great! We've finally found our calling as a band!  
**Bernard:** Carefully crafted melody and distinctive counterpoint?  
**Green Tentacle:** Voulme, man, volume! We got a shot at winning a Grimey award for Loudest New Band!  
**Bernard:** Grimey?  
**Green Tentacle:** Yeah, it was named after some dude who electrocuted himself in a nukyaler plant.  
**Bernard:** Nuclear.  
**Green Tentacle:** Like I said, nukyaler.  
**Bernard:** Did you ever find that new guitarist you were looking for?  
**Green Tentacle:** No, but we got something even better- a guy who plays power tools! We've doubled our noise putput ever since he signed on!  
**Bernard:** That's great!  
**Green Tentacle:** You think so? I've got a few tracks from our new album, "Rap On The Forehead", hooked up to the stereo. Why don't you have a listen?  
**Bernard: **Okay... ::click::**  
Green Tentacle:** You'll like this one. It's a cover.  
::Bernard walks up to the stereo speaker::  
**Green Tentacle:** No! Not that close!  
**Stereo:** HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FREIND I'VE COME TO RAP WITH YOU AGAIN BECAUSE A VISION SOFTLY CREEPING F***ED ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING AND THE VISION THAT WAS PLANTED IN MY F***ING BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIN!  
::Ouch... it must hurt to be hurtled all the way across the room by hyperactive sound waves, as Bernard just found out...::  
**Green Tentacle:** ... ::reaches over, turns the stereo off:: Not bad, eh?  
**Bernard:** .... what?  
**Green Tentacle:** I said "not bad, eh?"  
**Bernard:** I can't hear you!  
**Green Tentacle:** I said "not bad, eh?"  
**Bernard:** what?  
**Green Tentacle:** I said "not bad, eh?"  
**Bernard: **what?**  
Green Tentacle:** I said "not bad, eh?"  
**Bernard:** what?  



	8. No touchee!

-8-  
**  
Green Tentacle:** I said "not bad, eh?"  
**Bernard:** what?  
**Green Tentacle:** I said "not bad, eh?"  
**Bernard:** what?  
**Green Tentacle:** I said "not bad, eh?"  
**Bernard:** what?  
**Green Tentacle:** I said "not bad, eh?"  
**Bernard:** Oh! No, that it is. Well, be seeing you!  
  
::And so, with that pointless exchange through, Bernard exits Green's room and is filled with a sudden, inexplicable urge to go into the room next door.  
**Bernard:** Say, maybe there's something I can use next door...  
::See?::  
**Bernard:** Hello? Anyone in there?  
::Without even waiting for an answer, Bernard opens the door and barges in like he owns the place. Well, he would, if the door wasn't bolted so he could only keep it half-open. Serves him right for being so rude. Still, he's in for a show, for at this very moment, a one-man melodrama was unfurling right before the eyes of the world... okay, okay, just the security camera in the corner. Geez, try to add a little drama to these things...::  
**Disgruntled man sitting on the bed: **Reverse 3-D glasses... the exploding lollipop... itching powder gum... Happy Fun Ball... ::sigh:: it's useless. No one will ever like my designs. So i'm ending my novelty inventing career right here in this tacky motel.  
**Bernard:** How... appropriate?  
**Disgruntled man sitting on the bed: **Hey, that's my line! Who's the star of this show, anyway?  
**Bernard:** ... show?  
**Disgruntled man sitting on the bed: **That's better. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes.  
::With Bernard trapped helplessly behind the door, preventing any sort of rescue, the man raises a gun to his head.::  
**Disgruntled man holding a gun to his own head: **And thus, with a kiss, I die.  
**Bernard:** No! Wait!  
::BANG!::  
::... said the flag that unfurled from the barrel of the gun. Disappointed that yet another dramatic scene has been spoiled by the cold dark hand of reality, the man lets out a sigh that measures a 6.7 on the depression scale.::  
**Bernard:** Gee.... you must be depressed over there.  
**Depressed man whose name we still have yet to discover:** What clued you in, brainiac?  
**Bernard:** The whole thing with the gun was a good tip-off.  
**Same guy:** ::sigh:: My name is Dwayne.  
::It's about time he told us.::  
**Dwayne:** I'm a novelty goods designer by trade. But nobody likes my designs. I send them all over the world, but nobody responds. Just once, i'd like to see an acceptance letter... it'd say- "You're brilliant! What a novel design! Come to Baltimore at once!" ::sigh:: If I ever got a letter like that, why, i'd just fly right out of this room, leaving anyone to just pick up and make off with whatever useful items they found lying on the floor. ::sigh:: But who am I kidding? I'll never get off this bed. Never ever. Ever ever ever ever. Ever.  
::It was about this time that Bernard came to the rather obvious realization that there would be no stopping an attack on control of the world without solving the life's problems of this washout sitting alone in this negative-star motel, so he whipped up a plan, and he whipped it up quick.::  
**Bernard:** Why, it just so happens that.. umm... I have a letter like that for you right here!  
**Dwayne:** I know what you're trying to do, just stop.  
**Bernard:** "You're brilliant! What a novel design! Come to Baltimore at once!"  
**Dwayne: **You have no idea how many times people have tried to pull that old trick on me. Just get out of here, and leave me to stew in this room filled with objects that could potentially save mankind.  
**Bernard:** Oh, fine. I'll save the world some other way.  
::Bernard shuts the door::  
**Dwayne: **Room 2B, or not 2B? That is the question...  
  
::Upstairs, Bernard is still searching for leads that could get him closer to a diamond or something else to save the world. He comes to- what else? Another door.::  
**Bernard:** Well, it's worth another try...  
::Bernard walks through door number 3 to find himself standing face-to-forehead with a massive man-boy, a peaceful soul in search for truth, love, and valuable additions to his stamp collection, which he holds lovingly in his hands. But, this young man's healthy puke-green skin is a dead giveaway as to his identity, as Bernard has found himself in the presence of...::  
**Bernard:** Hey, aren't you Weird Ed Edison, the paramilitary nut? What are you doing with that stamp collection?  
**Weird Ed:** Why, yes I- say, do I know you?  
**Bernard:** Of course you do, i'm Bernard Bernoulli! Five years ago, I broke into your house, broke into your piggy bank, turned you against your parents...  
**Weird Ed: **No, I can't say I do... it doesn't ring a bell. But I don't remember much about that period of time anyway. My psychotherapist thinks that something happened back then that i'm blocking out.  
**Bernard:** Does it, perchance, have anything to do with-  
**Bernard's brain:** NO! DON'T BRING IT UP!  
**Bernard:** an... umm... a...  
**Bernard's brain:** FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! THIS GUY'S GONNA PUMMEL YOU INTO HASENPFEFFER IF HE REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID TO HIS-  
**Bernard:** hamster?  
**Bernard's brain:** AAH! He said it, not me!  
**Weird Ed:** All I know is that I used to have a cute white hamster with spots... and now I have a cute brown one, with no spots. It used to worry me... and then... the nightmares would come.  
**Bernard:** They wouldn't somehow involve a locked safe and a contract, would they?  
Weird Ed: No, no... but it doesn't matter now. I don't have those.... bad thoughts... anymore.  
**Bernard:** Bad... thoughts?  
**Weird Ed:** I think of what happened to my old hamster... at least, I try to. But all I can recall is a flash of light... and a horrible sound.  
**Bernard:** Horrible... sound?  
**Weird Ed:** Yes. I believe it went something like... "ding".  
**Bernard: **"Ding"?  
**Weird Ed:** Oh, yes- in fact, that's why the bell in the lobby doesn't work. For years, people would ring it... and I would just go crazy... walk down the steps and grind their tiny bones into a fine powder and removing them from the inside out before shoving their bodies into a... a... well, I don't remember, but it doesn't matter now. As long as my stamps are safe and sound, i'll be sound as a pound.  
**Bernard: **W-well.... th-that's g-g-great... I... I think i'll go! Yes, that's a good thing. Going is good. Goodbye!  
**Weird Ed: **Peace be with you.  
**Bernard:** That's what i'm hoping for...  
::Bernard carefully steps out of the room, and shut the door very, very, gently::  
**Bernard: **Whew, I barely made it out of there alive! I just hope I never have to go in there again...  
  
**Laverne: **.... oh, just pan to the next scene already. Stupid tree...  
  
::Moving right along, Bernard continues his trek to do something he isn't sure how to do through the next door over.::  
**A scary old woman in a rotating chair:** Dammit, why isn't there any action going on? Stupid novelty goods salesmen- why can't we ever get the Fabio Look-alike Association to come to this stupid motel?  
::Said scary old woman is busy fiddling away at the controls of the world's most complete surveillance system- every room in the mansion can be spied on from the monitors on this gargantuan thing. Far be it from me to question the necessity of such a device in a motel that rats consider uninhabitable, but the cameras seem to do nothing more than entertain the old woman at the controls- a very familiar one, at that.::  
**Bernard:** Excuse me-  
**Nurse Edna: **What is it, i'm very busy! I- say, aren't you Bernard Bernoulli?  
**Bernard:** That's my name, don't wear it out!  
::Bernard smiles at his little joke::  
**Nurse Edna:** That joke's even older than I am!  
::Bernard sulks::  
**Nurse Edna:** But yeah, you broke into this mansion five years ago to save your little friend, didn't you?   
**Bernard:** Well, technically, she's my friend... though she still hasn't returned my calls...  
**Nurse Edna:** I figured. So what have you come for this time?  
**Bernard:** Well, i'm trying to keep Purple Tentacle from taking over the world.  
**Nurse Edna:** Purple Tentacle? What a guy! I betcha they're going to make him vice-president at the rate he's going!  
  
**Gary Pinhead:** Purple Tentacle named new Vice-President of the United States! More at 11.  
  
**Bernard: **This is quite an array of gadgetry you have here!  
**Nurse Edna:** Yes! It's the most advanced surveillance system in the state!  
::I was close.::  
**Bernard:** Is that a Plexus 7000 VCR?  
**Nurse Edna:** It sure is! It's got a dual-speed tape monitor with cobalt casing!  
**Bernard: **Wow! Zenophobe crystal-matrix monitors?  
**Nurse Edna:** You got it! They're so clear, you can see the fleas on the bedroom walls! ... well, you COULD, but then they all boycotted the place. But you get the picture.  
**Bernard:** Astounding! Do you think that I could take the controls for a second! I absolutely must try this machine!  
**Nurse Edna:** Is your name Patrick Swayze?  
**Bernard: **Well, no it isn't-  
**Nurse Edna: **Then DON'T TOUCH!  
**Bernard: **But if I had a look at this I could-  
**Nurse Edna:** ::swat:: No touchee!  
**Bernard: **But please, I could save-  
**Nurse Edna:** ::bat:: NO TOUCHEE!  
**Bernard:** You don't understand, I need to-  
**Nurse Edna:** What part do you not understand? The "no", the "touch", or the "ee"?  
**Bernard:** Well, I don't quite get the "ee"...  
**Nurse Edna:** Back off, or i'll show you how I provide for this family!  
**Bernard:** Yes'm!  
::Bernard's hands may be tied, but his eyes certainly aren't- and those eyes scan the monitors, and he's in luck! One of the cameras is pointing right at the painting in Dr. Fred's office, hinged to the wall so that the door of the wall safe is juuuuuust showing.::  
**Bernard's brain:** You're on to something! Keep talking!  
**Bernard: **Umm.... say, Edna, enough about your equipment...  
**Nurse Edna:** Yes! Let's talk about YOURS! Yeeheeheeheehee!  
**Bernard:** Um... okay... let's not... How's Dr. Fred doing?  
**Nurse Edna:** Well, he's still upset about the family financial situation, seeing how it's his fault and all... but he's better now that he doesn't sleepwalk anymore!  
**Bernard:** Sleepwalk?  
**Nurse Edna:** Yes! Why, every time he passed out, he would go to his office, open the safe, scream like a cat in the oven-  
**Bernard:** Or a hamster in a microwave?  
**Nurse Edna: **Exactly!  
  
**Weird Ed:** .... "ding"... ::twitch::  
  
**Nurse Edna:** and he'd slam the thing shut! He'd just do it over and over and over again until he woke up- something about what's in that safe really scared the bejesus out of him. I wonder what it could be?  
**Bernard's brain:** Great Gatsby! This could be it! Keep going, dum-dum!  
**Bernard: **Well, can't you catch the combination from here?  
**Nurse Edna:** Believe me, i've tried, but he works it so fast that I can't see a single number!  
**Bernard:** But isn't there something on this machine that can slow down the video feed so we can catch it?  
**Nurse Edna:** Don't ask me, i'm still afraid to press half the buttons on this thing! Apparently John Law doesn't take too well to eavesdroppers, and I don't want to press something that will give me away.  
**Bernard:** oh... but a machine like this must be able to do something!  
**Nurse Edna: **Tell you what, hot stuff, if you can get him to sleep somehow, then you can come back up here and we can figure something out. Heaven knows i'd like some of that royalty money myself.  
**Bernard:** Oh, wonderful! I'm on it! I- um, how do you think I can get him to sleep?  
**Nurse Edna:** How am I supposed to know? Listen, after you do it, could you be a dear and get me some coffee? It's broiling in the kitchen. Make sure you get the right one, too- I only drink decaf.  
**Bernard:** ........ decaf, eh?  
  



	9. My spit would freeze over before it hit ...

-9-  
  
**Hoagie:** Okay, let's see what we got here.  
::200 years ago today, Hoagie completed his first run of the mansion, having collected (okay, okay, stolen) whatever random objects he could get his hands on throughout his journey and brought them outside to the Chron-o-John. Let's see what he came up with.::  
**Hoagie: **One bottle of wine (Chateau De Cheapaux, 1775- gnarly!); a little bottle of salad oil; old-fashioned lye in a new, more convenient size; my trusty can opener; raw spaghetti, a moldy old scrub brush, and the hammer that Red guy gave me.... i'm supposed to save the world with this junk?  
::Hoagie packs up his things and prepares to venture back into the mansion::  
**Hoagie:** Well, I might as well get going- those drums aren't going to test themselves.  
::Hoagie ventures back inside the mansion and back into the Hall Of Presidents, only to take notice of the regal-looking figure standing in front of the picture window, puffing a cigar::  
**Hoagie: **How'd I miss that guy before?  
**John Hancock:** Maybe b-b-b-because your eyes are f-frozen shut from the b-b-b-bitter cold in here?  
**Thomas Jefferson:** Nice try, Frosty.  
::So, petty squabbling aside, Hoagie approaches said figure, who turns out to be none other than-::  
**Hoagie:** WHOA! You're like- George Washington!  
**George Washington:** Very much like him, according to my wife, Mrs. Washington.  
**Hoagie:** Hey, can I get your autograph?  
**George Washington:** What, that old thing outside? If you can wash it, it's yours.  
**Hoagie:** No, no, I mean, like, your signature. I'd love to have the calling card of the dude who iced the British.  
**John Hancock:** PLEASE don't say "iced"! It's so c-c-cold...  
**George Washington:** Cold, sir? Why, you don't know the meaning of the word.  
**John Hancock: **Oh, here we g-go...  
**George Washington:** I spent a winter at Valley Forge, now THAT's cold. Why, my spit would freeze over before it hit the ground!  
**Hoagie:** That sounds cool.  
**George Washington:** Yes, extremely.  
**Thomas Jefferson:** He should know about cold- he's married to Martha!  
**Hoagie:** Ooh, that WAS cold. Hey, Georgie, you gonna let him get away with saying that?  
**George Washington: **Sir, i'm a much bigger man than that. Not as big as you, pray tell, but big enough to leave such pithy comments to only those worthy of them.  
**Thomas Jefferson:** ::sigh:: Here we go...  
**Goerge Washington:** As the conqueror of the British and the leader of the United States, (and of course, the future president), I, George Washington make it a point to defend my honor, my dignity, and- let's face it- my inherent superiority as the father of our country by-  
**Hoagie:** Chopping down cherry trees?  
**George Washington:** Well, actually, I was quite the adept tree-cutter in my day. Why, men still regale tales of my youthful prowess to this day.  
**Thomas Jefferson:** Yes, but he's lost it now. I dare say, he hasn't cut down a tree since the Treaty of Paris. Why, half the country is filled with trees that he hasn't gotten around to chopping down yet!  
**Hoagie:** It sounds like he has a point there, George.  
**George Washington:** Why, you incorrigible- i'd show you a thing or two if there were a cherry tree nearby! But as you can see, there isn't.  
**Hoagie:** A tree's a tree, dude.  
**George Washington:** No, no, no, my rotund associate- I only cut down cherry trees. Family tradition, you know. There's nothing out there but cedar and kumquats. So, you'd best be running along now.  
**Hoagie:** Sure thing, dude. Thanks for nothing.  
**George Washington:** Why, you're welcome.  
  
::And so, a dejected Hoagie leaves the Hall, and heads up the stairs, muttering to himself as he wanders the mansion.::  
**Hoagie: **Stupid Washington... thinks he's so hot just because he saved the colonies... Mr. high and mighty cherry tree... Hey there, Ted.... still gotta save the world... i'd show him if I could find a cherry tree... i'm going to-  
::and then, in the spot where Weird Ed's room will be in 200 years, he runs into a horse. Yes, there's a horse in this house, and i'm not going to tell you why.::  
**Hoagie:** umm.... hi, horsey.  
**Horse:** Hi yourself.  
**Hoagie:** You wouldn't happen to know where I could find a cherry tree, would you?  
**Horse: **Nope. Sorry.  
**Hoagie:** Dang. I need to find one to show up the father of our country.  
**Horse: **Good luck, then.  
**Hoagie:** Those are some teeth you got there.  
**Horse:** Thanks. I paid a lot for 'em.  
**Hoagie: **What are you doing here, anyway?  
**Horse:** I live here, smart guy. What are YOU doing here?  
**Hoagie:** Well, i'm stranded here until I can build a super-battery and get back to the future.  
**Horse:** Future, eh? Here I was thinking that Franklin guy was off his nut...   
**Hoagie:** I need to get some oil, vinegar, and gold to do it, though.  
**Horse:** Hm... what does showing up Washington have to do with it?  
**Hoagie:** Oh, he just cheeses me off.  
**Horse:** Yeah he does that. Why, just the other day, he was smarting off to me about how his teeth looked better than mine. Tell you what- oil and vinegar should be easy enough to find, but if you can find some way to settle Washington's hash, I can tell you how to get that gold you need.  
**Hoagie:** No foolin'?  
**Horse:** Easier than trying to think of a way yourself.  
**Hoagie:** Good call.  
**Horse:** Well, off with you then. I've got beauty sleep to catch up on.  
::and with that, the horse puts his false teeth in a nearby glass of water, and falls promptly to sleep.::  
**Hoagie: **That was surreal.  
::Tell it. Anyway, Hoagie makes his next stop the one behind the door across from the horse.::  
**Hoagie:** Say, I haven't been in here yet.  
::Hoagie walks in, and finds two bafflingly dapper identical twins, one very busy creating a similarly dapper stone sculpture of the other with a neat-looking hat on. So, of course, he makes the obvious comment.::  
**Hoagie:** Question is, which one's stuffed, and which one's the real McCoy?  
::But, as their notoriously green skin gives away, they're-::  
**Ned or Jed Edison:** I assure you that we are both real, but we are neither one of us McCoys. We are Edisons, Ned and Jed.  
::I was gonna say that.::  
**Hoagie:** Which one is which?  
**Ned or Jed Edison:** Does it really matter? ::sigh:: even our dear father can't tell us apart.  
**Hoagie:** Well, what's the difference, anyway?  
**Ned or Jed Edison: **The only difference is that one of us is left-handed, while the other is right.  
**Ned or Jed Edison:** That's right.  
**Ned or Jed Edison:** Hold still, Jed! How can I get your mouth crooked just right if you keep opening it all the time?   
::with a sigh, the Edison which must be logically concluded as being Ned turns back to Hoagie::  
**the Edison which must be logically concluded as being Ned:** So... i'm almost too frightened to ask... are you a marble deliveryman, or my... ::shudder:: new model?  
**Hoagie:** I think i'll be the model, can I take my clothes off now?  
**Horse:** No!  
**Dr. Fred:** No!  
**Bernard: **No!  
**John Hancock:** N-no!  
**Weird Ed:** ::twitch::  
**Dwayne:** Nay!  
**Laverne:** No!  
**Red Edison:** No!  
**Purple Tentacle:** No!  
**Nurse Edna: **Yes!  
**Sandy:** No!  
**Branson, Missouri:** No!  
**the Edison which must be logically concluded as being Ned:** No! No... you most definitely should not.  
**The world: **::whew::  
**the Edison which must be logically- aw, nuts to this, just Ned:** I couldn't get your body shape right anyway, unless we cemented two slabs of marble together... but then your statue would have a big seam in it.  
**Hoagie:** That's okay, it would have one anyway.  
**Ned:** Look- don't call us, we'll call you.  
**Hoagie:** Dang. Well, I was just kidding.   
**Ned:** Good.  
**Hoagie: **I'm the deliveryman. Okay if I unload in here?  
**Ned:** Actually, we are well-supplied with medium, so thank you, no.  
**Hoagie:** Oh, this ain't medium, this is the extra-large stuff.  
**Ned: **Please go away now. Us artists are very sensitive towards your kind of people.  
**Hoagie: **What kind of people?  
**Ned:** Big, dumb people.  
**Hoagie:** By any chance, do you know George Washington?  
**Ned:** Know him? Why, he's our idol!  
**Hoagie:** Figures. Okay, so i'm not the delivery guy either, but rock is my life.  
::Hoagie laughs at his little joke::  
**Ned: **I'm... sure that's terribly amusing... where you're from. Say, where exactly DID you come from?  
**Hoagie:** The future. Kinda spooky-sounding, ain't it? Ooooooooh, the future! I'm from the future, look out!  
**Ned:** Gosh, it would be so nice if you weren't here anymore.  
**Hoagie:** Okay, okay, for real this time- I have something for you.  
**Ned:** I can hardly wait.  
::Hoagie pulls out the left-handed hammer given to him by Red Edison::  
**Hoagie: **Here you go. Some red guy told me to give this to you.  
**Ned:** I'm sure. Well, give it here- i've been meaning to get a new one for some time now.  
::Ned grabs the hammer from Hoagie's hand::  
**Ned:** There. Now, off with you.  
**Hoagie: **Sorry. Hope I haven't jostled you.  
**Ned:** Too late.  
::and with that, Hoagie leaves- but just a little too soon.::  
**Ned:** ::tossing his old hammer into the trash:: Now, let's see what this baby can do!  
::Ned places his chisel on the half-finished statue and swings- and misses::  
**Ned: **What?  
::Whoosh! He misses again!::  
**Ned:** What is this?  
::Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!::  
**Ned:** Oh... oh NO! I've... i've lost it!  
::Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!::  
**Ned:** O, where hath gone the must that once guided my hand with such care? Must inspiration be so transitory? Must art be so cruel?  
::Whoosh! Whoosh!::  
**Ned:** Just let me hit my chisel once!  
::CHUNK::  
::Well, he asked for it, and he got it, as that errant strike hits the statue at just the right angle to cause it to crumble into a million pieces. Oh, like he wasn't asking for it.::  
**Ned:** Oh, curse this accursed curse of curses! Damn this tool forged in the very depths of Hades, which has taken from me my livelihood! Damn damn damn you to the pits of brimstone!  
**Jed:** ::jumping off from his statuesque position:: Don't say that, Ned! The hammer did not do a thing to you, you're probably just still disturbed from that... ::wince:: "visitor" of ours. We must be strong, dear brother, in these times of creative adversity. I'll clean up this rubble and start over. You should relax for now- here, have a cappuccino.  
::Some time later::  
**Jed:** I'm glad we switched places. You're coming out quite well. See? It wasn't the hammer at all.  
**Ned:** But it was!  
**Jed:** Hold still, now.  
  
::CHUNG::  
**Bernard:** Say, wasn't that statue holding its sword in its other hand just a second ago?  
  
**Hoagie:** Well, that whole trip was pointless. But what to do now?  
::He looks at the stairs::  
**Hoagie:** Well, only one way to go now.  
::and so, Hoagie heads up the stairs. Say, let's just save some time and move on up to a few minutes later.::  
  
::A few minutes later, Hoagie is standing on the roof of the mansion::  
**Hoagie:** Great. I've been all over this place, and I haven't found anything to help me besides this red paint. I wonder if i'll ever get out of this place alive? I mean, I can't get the gold until I cheese off George, I can't make a battery until I get the gold, and I can't go home until I get the battery. ::sigh:: I think i'm just going to sit here on the roof awhile.  
  
::Oh, crap, it looks like he means it. Well, I WOULD help him, but seeing as certain people ruined it for us, it looks like-::  
**Hoagie:** Hey, what's that open- WHOOOOOOOOoooooooaaaaa ::THUD::  
::What's going on here? What was that Hoagie just fell through?  
_Plot hole.  
~The Management_  
::What? What did you do that for?::  
_Someone needed to un-stick this thing. If we wanted to hold up the story while someone desperately tries to figure out what to do next, we'd be actually playing the game.  
~The Management_  
::Oh.... I... see.::  
_Pan to the next scene, already.  
~The Management_  
::Um, okay.::  
  
::We re-join Hoagie right back where he started, outside the mansion::  
**Hoagie:** Owwww! Oh, great, now my red paint's been splattered all over these.... kumquats?  
::Saay... that thing really worked! Those kumquats now look a lot like-::  
**Hoagie:** Cherries?  
::Hoagie takes one look up- and there it is, a tiny sapling, peppered with kumquats...::  
  
  
**Laverne:** ... why did these little fruits turn red all of a sudden?  
  
**  
Hoagie:** So, George...  
**George Washington:** So?  
**Hoagie:** I found a cherry tree outside.  
**George Washington:** Nonsense. If there were a cherry tree outside, i'd be able to see it right through this- well what do you know? There IS a cherry tree out there. Well, let's go chop the sucker down.  
**Thomas Jefferson:** Veto power says you can't!  
**George Washington:** You're on!  
::With that, George takes Hoagie outside, pulls out his trusty axe, and with one mighty swing, fells the sapling.::  
**Thomas Jefferson:** Drat.  
**George Washington:** And there you have it. Find a challenge for me next time, boy.  
::Washington walks off to gloat to Jefferson some more::  
**Hoagie:** What a hero.  
  
::Meanwhile, 400 years later...::  
**A Purple-Tentacle-looking thing with a safari hat, a net, a bushy mustache, and a British accent:** I said come down from there AT ONCE!  
**Laverne: **Try to understand. I'm stuck in this kumquat-  
::CHUNG::  
**Laverne:** tree?  
::As its counterpart from 400 years ago is offed, so the mammoth kumquat tree disappears from existence, the branch formerly suspending Laverne in the air going with it. With nothing left to hold her or the Chron-o-john up, both of them fall to the pavement below, each with it's own sickening CRUNCH::.  
**Same Tentacle:** Aha! I have you now! You're coming with me, human!  
::Shock! Horror! What other frightening nouns could await Laverne? Oh, I can hardly wait to find out!::  
  
  
  



	10. Still going

-10-  
  
::Run, little hamster. Run.::  



	11. The Wendy incident

-11-  
**  
Bernard:** Mind if I top you off there, Dr. Fred?  
**Dr. Fred:** You even try it and I'll feed you to my mutant tentacle!  
**Bernard:** Um... isn't that who we're trying to stop?  
**Dr. Fred:** Oh! Right.... sorry, I just need to get used to not having that line to use. It's quite the pants-wetter, especially to women... I wonder why that is?  
**Bernard:** *ugh*...  
_We would like to take this time out now to remind you that this is a PG-13 fanfic, thus any disgusting connotations you or your children derive from anything you read are legally not our responsibility. So don't even think of challenging us or our team of fifty high-priced lawyers. Thank you.  
~The Management_  
**Bernard: **(drat!) Anyway, I was talking about your coffee.  
**Dr. Fred:** Oh! Of... course. Go right ahead, less work for me.  
**Bernard:** Oh, splendid!  
::Eagerly, suspicious Bernard pours suspicious coffee from a suspicious pot, suspiciously.::  
**Dr. Fred:** Ah, excellent. ::he raises the cup to his lips... then stops.:: You know... there's something funny about this coffee...  
**Bernard:** Um... I... don't know what you're talking about... Dr... Fred! It's coffee, right from your favorite pot!  
**Dr. Fred:** No, no... this seems... different somehow. Like... something's... missing.  
::Bernard takes a few steps back, ready to bolt out of the mansion at any given moment. His experiences with former writer Wendy Hemingway had taught him that giving a coffee addict decaf was akin to tugging on Superman's cape, or spilling beer on the Duke, or stealing lunch from Roseanne::  
**Dr. Fred:** Oh, of course, what am I thinking? ::Dr. Fred produces a hefty bag of sugar from out of nowhere and pours some in the cup before tucking it back into the thin air from whence it came::   
**Bernard:** How... how did you do that?  
**Dr. Fred:** Never mind. Edna sent you down here, didn't she?  
**Bernard: **Huh? What do you mean?  
**Dr. Fred: **She's been doing things like this for weeks now, trying to get me to quit drinking this stuff... electrodes, cyanide, pointed sticks... and now she sends you to give me decaf!  
**Bernard:** D.... decaf? I... I don't know what you mean! ::Bernard inches towards the door...::  
**Dr. Fred:** Oh, get over yourself, there's no need to be scared. Us coffee drinkers aren't the type to just snap and go on a six-state strangling spree at the slightest change in their routine.  
**Bernard:** But what about... the Wendy incident?  
**Dr. Fred:** That's different. Wendy was a professional writer. Now THOSE are your real loonies. They'll snap at the slightest thing, they will. They're crazies, the whole lot of them!  
::Just then, a giant mallet squashes Dr. Fred into a fine paste, while Bernard- wait, what's going on here? What are you doin- GAACK::  
_Due to this recent outburst, our writer has been placed in time-out for five minutes. He can come out and play later.  
~The Management._  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_Okay, he's better now. We now return you to the fanfic, already in progress.  
~The Management_  
Bernard: DR. FRED! Are you alright?  
_From BEFORE the hammer, you._  
_~The Management_  
::Splooshsplooshgush::  
_And put Joe's head back on!  
~The Management_  
::*Gasp* whew, that's better.::  
_Now cut it out and get back to the story. Don't make us go out there and smack you around.  
~The Management  
_::Okay. Now, forgetting that little outburst...::  
**Dr. Fred:** Anyway, yes, this is decaf, i'm sure of it.  
**Bernard:** That's crazy!  
**Dr. Fred:** Come now, boy, didn't you read the opening? I was the one who put Starbucks on the map! You thought I couldn't tell the difference between coffee and swill?  
**Bernard:** ..... well... I...  
**Dr. Fred:** Now, now, I bet Edna didn't tell you, either. This is just another one of her ploys to get me to quit drinking coffee... but it's not going to work, I tell you! Hey, Edna! Watch THIS!  
::Dr. Fred promptly drinks the stuff and, without the caffeine to support his long sleepless streak, goes out cold on his feet. Then, true to Edna's word, he stiff-arms, and promptly begins to sleepwalk his way up the stairs.::  
**Sleeping Dr. Fred:** Must open safe... must sign contract.... must provide for... family...  
**Bernard:** I... guess that worked...  
  
**Bernard:** Okay, Nurse Edna, I got him to sleep! Now what?  
**Nurse Edna:** You sure did! How'd you do it? Electrodes?  
**Bernard:** Nope.  
**Nurse Edna:** Cyanide?  
**Bernard:** Nope.  
**Nurse Edna:** Pointed sticks?  
**Bernard:** Nope!  
**Nurse Edna:** How?  
**Bernard:** Decaf! I slipped some into his coffee.  
**Nurse Edna:** You brave, brave soul! I've been frightened to try that since the Wendy incident. Say, did they ever identify those victims, anyway?  
**Bernard:** They said there wasn't even enough left of their teeth to judge.  
**Nurse Edna:** That's too bad. Anyway, I have him here on the screen. Come on over here, hot stuff. Yeeheeheeeheehee!  
::Bernard, rather reluctantly, goes on over to the monitor featuring Dr. Fred's office, and sees him there- fiddling with the knob on the wall safe, opening the door, screaming like a hamster in a microwave,::  
**Weird Ed: **::twitch::  
::and slamming it shut, only to repeat over and over.::  
**Nurse Edna:** Can you see the combination?  
**Bernard:** No, he's going too fast... say, what's this switch over here?  
::Nurse Edna peers on over::  
**Nurse Edna:** Oh, that's just the speed switch on the video recorde- OF COURSE! Bernard, you're a genius!  
**Bernard:** Aw, shucks... ::he blushes::  
**Nurse Edna: **I can just record Fred working the combination, then play it back in slow-speed to catch the combination! Then we can get the contract and we'll be rich, rich, rich! Oh, you little genius you... ::Edna springs from her chair and gives Bernard a nice, icky hug:: Just think, with the money we'll get from that thing, I can move to a new place in the Bahamas!  
**Bernard:** But Dr. Fred needs to...  
**Nurse Edna:** ::plops back down into her chair:: Dr. Fred needs to butt out! I've been shakin' my booty to make ends meet for three years now, while he's been playing with his toys in the basement.  
**Bernard:** But we need to-  
**Nurse Edna:** We need to get that combination already! Then you and I can run off together  
**Bernard: **You and... ::gulp:: I?  
::Oh, no! Nurse Edna is amorous! What will Bernard do?::  
**Nurse Edna:** Just think about it... you... and me... on some beach somewhere... while my idiot son and worthless husband furrow their brows in a vain attempt to discover what happened to their money... lying in the sun... our bodies... nearly naked... ooh,  
Bernard: ::cowering against the wall:: but what about.... Patrick Swayze?  
**Nurse Edna:** Patrick... who? NOW GIMMIE A KISS!  
**Bernard:** No touchee! ::nudge::  
**Nurse Edna:** WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee::CRASH!::  
**Bernard:** ....  
::Yes, Bernard's limp-wristed nudge was just enough to send Nurse Edna back into her chair and careening out the door, down the stairs, and out of the picture for the rest of this story. Thank you Bernard, for saving us all.::  
**Bernard:** well... you know what they say... if you wanna save the world, you have to push a few old ladies down the stairs.  
::After this calm moment of rationalization, Bernard sets to work. Yes, Dr. Fred is still opening and closing the safe, and with *shudder* her out of the way, Bernard is free to record and play back the tape in slow motion.::  
**Bernard:** Let's see... 101.... 999.... 57. Yes! Now with the combination there's... ::with:: even less in the way now of me saving the world! I-  
Voice from the monitor: Dr. Fred Edison?  
**Bernard:** Huh? ::He turns to the screen.::  
**Sharp-dressed man: **Internal Revenue. Come with us. We'd like to go over some of your records with you... upstairs.  
::The sharp-dressed man and another equally sharp-dressed man carry the comatose Dr. Fred off to the audit of his life. Okay, that's it, Mr. Writer. I've had enough of you fooling around with the plotline. I don't know what your problem is, mister, but you've got a lot of nerve-::  
_Joe...  
~The Management_  
::Huh? What?::  
_This IS part of the storyline.  
~The Management_  
::Are you sure?::  
_Positive. Now clam up. We'll handle the writer if he starts ad-libbing again.  
~The Management_  
::Okay. Well, Bernard, you're in a lot of trouble now.::  
**Bernard:** You can say that again.  
::Now, not only do you have to foil an evil genius tentacle, but to do it, you've got to save Dr. Fred from the most vicious band of thugs in modern history.::  
**Bernard:** You don't mean...  
::Yes, I do. But for dramatic purposes, you can say it.::  
**Bernard:** I have to take down... the IRS?  
**Chorus:** Bum bum buuuuuuum!  
::Does Bernard dare live out the American dream? Will Hoagie get his revenge on George Washington? What of Laverne? Where is that hamster going, anyway? The answers to these questions, and more, coming... EVENTUALLY!::  
  



	12. How's that for a spoiler?

-12-  
  
::200 years from today, Laverne finds herself imprisoned in the holding cell of the mansion. Trapped behind an invisible wall of sweet, soothing electricity, Laverne pleads her case to the standard One Inept Guard, situated in a chair next to the door, more concerned with today's headlines than the job at hand…::  
**Laverne:** GET ME OUT OF HERE! This is a violation of my rights!  
**Guard Tentacle:** Rights? What? You're a human, you don't have any rights.  
**Laverne: **But I haven't done anything!  
**Guard Tentacle: **Well, you musta' done something, or else you wouldn't be in here. You'd be outside with your owner getting dressed up for the human show.  
**Laverne:** OWNER? No one OWNS me!  
**Guard Tentacle: **Gosh, no owner? That's too bad… well, don't worry, I'm sure someone will come adopt you before we have to put you to sleep.  
**Laverne: **::collecting her jaw from off the floor and going into soliloquy mode:: Great… this is just.. great. I always hoped for the day when our rotten species would get its comeuppance, but this is too much like Planet Of The Apes for my liking. ::sigh:: looks like I'm going to have to save the world after all, but first I've got to get home… and to do it, I'm going to have to usurp the authority of a race of mutated tentacles who've given me all the social standing of a canine.  
**Guard Tentacle:** By the way, feeding time's in an hour. Hope you like asbestos.  
**Laverne:** Damn that Doctor Fred.  
**Fred-lookalike in a vintage jailbird outfit:** Hey, she knows the Edison family motto!  
**Laverne:** YOU! ::Instantly recognizing the voice, she spins around and begins to throttle her fellow prisoner.:: This is all your fault! I need to be studying for my final tomorrow, and YOU went and stuck me in this scene from a low-grade Japanese horror flick!  
::You think we've used that joke enough?::  
_No.  
~The Management_  
**Laverne: **I have half a mind to-  
**Fred-lookalike in a vintage jailbird outfit:** Stoppit, stoppit, stoppit! I'm not Doctor Fred!  
**Laverne:** Says you! ::she continues to strangle::  
**Guard Tentacle: **Quiet, you two. Don't make me get the duct tape.  
**Laverne:** ::snapping away quickly:: I'll be good.  
**Guard Tentacle: **That's better. ::buries his… um… sucker back in the newspaper::  
**Laverne:** Alright, if you're not Doctor Fred, who are you?  
**Fred-lookalike in a vintage jailbird outfit:** I'm Zed Edison, and this is my wife Zedna and my son Ved. ::motioning to the Edna and Ed look-alikes cheating at cards on the opposite bench::  
**Laverne:** So you're related to Doctor Fred?  
**Zed:** Absolutely, but there hasn't been a Fred in the Edison family in two hundred years. The last Fred was such a shame to the family- not to mention the entire human race!  
Laverne: So what you're saying is that we DON'T stop Purple Tentacle?   
**Zed: **How's that for a spoiler? Purple took over the world, enslaved humanity, broke us all to this humiliating level… not the happy ending you were expecting, was it?  
**Laverne:** It's a bit of a downer, I will say that.  
::Wait, wait…. If that's how it ends, that means… the story's over! Well, this was certainly an easy paycheck. Sad ending, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Good night, America!::  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_For reasons of total idiocy, the narrator has been sacked. Please bear with us as we attempt to find a replacement. Thank you.  
~The Management_  
  



	13. I sure will

-13-  
  
**Ben: **Oh, am I on? Good afternoon, readers! I am… the narrator! Eager and ready to be at your service. It's such an honor to be named to this project, especially since poor Sheep was laid off… but he'll get back on his feet, just as we all have. In fact, I hear General Specific's already got a new job lined up! How nice for him. Anyway, I'm not paid to chit-chat, so here we go!  
  
::When we last left Laverne, she was in quite a pickle. Caught by one of the henchmen of the notorious Purple Tentacle, she's been locked away in a prison cell! What can she possibly do to escape? What sort of plan will this cunning co-ed have to concoct to save herself, not to mention the whole world?::  
**Laverne:** Yoohoo, Mr. Tentacle-guy?  
**Guard Tentacle:** What?  
**Laverne:** Um… your… shoelace is untied?  
**Guard Tentacle:** … you know, I'm not going to dignify that with a response.  
**Laverne:** Drat.  
**Zed:** I've tried that one so many times…  
**Laverne:** Consarn it, there's gotta be a way out of here. Hmm… say, Zed…  
**Zed:** What?  
**Laverne: **That freak said something about a "human show"… you think that could be my ticket out of here?  
**Zed:** Oh, you'd better just forget that degrading farce. Those slimy tentacles put humans in humiliating little costumes, do sickening things to their hair, and force them to parade their so-called "talents" in front of unqualified judges who were paid off weeks in advance!  
**Laverne:** Didn't get in, eh?  
**Zed:** They said macramé wasn't a talent. Pointy-headed goons.  
**Guard Tentacle:** Hey, I heard that.  
**Zed:** Your mama.  
**Laverne:** Listen, Zed… alone, you and I have been made prisoners of this horrible regime, but together, we just might be able to beat those slimy bastards at their own game.  
::cue "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic"::  
**Laverne:** Together, we have what it takes to save humanity from this terrible fate. After all, you're the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of the man who unleashed this horrible plague upon the world, and me, I'm an anatomy student… with a "C" average… but what do they know, those high-and-mighty academic types? They don't know what it's like to have 5000 years of human history, thought, and knowledge in your hands, like we do! Help me, Zed, and together we can change history, and make a better world for us, and out children, and out children's child- well, by then they'll have annihilated the planet, but what does it matter? Don't they deserve the chance to do exactly that? Don't they deserve… to be free?  
**Zed:** Lady, you talk too much.  
**Laverne:** Oy… I think I'm gonna be sick.  
**Guard Tentacle:** Huh? Someone say they're going to be sick?  
**Laverne:** Um… yeah! Yes, I'm afraid I just might puke up all over… Ooog… ::gag:: here it comes!  
**Guard Tentacle: **Oh, no you don't, I'm not cleaning up after you. I'm taking you to Dr. Tentacle.  
::the guard shuts off the forcefield and leads her to the doctor's office a few doors away, where he stupidly leaves her. You just can't find good help these days…::  
**Dr. Tentacle:** Well, well, what do we have here?  
**Laverne: **I feel pukey.  
**Dr. Tentacle:** Really, now? Let's just have a look here…  
**Laverne:** Are you going to use your scalpel?  
**Dr. Tentacle:** Of course not!  
**Laverne: **…darn.  
::She takes a moment to think it over…::  
**Laverne: **Would you like to use mine?  
**Dr. Tentacle:** Absolutely not!  
::Dr. Tentacle uses his trusty stethoscope to listen to Laverne's heartbeat… strange that he's pressing the business end against her liver.::  
**Dr. Tentacle:** Hmmmm…  
**Laverne:** What?  
::Dr. Tentacle hops over to the human anatomy chart against the wall, complete with anatomically-correct stick figure::  
**Dr. Tentacle: **Hmmmm…  
**Laverne:** What? What?  
**Dr. Tentacle:** It's just as I expected.   
**Laverne:** What is it, already?  
**Dr. Tentacle: **There's nothing wrong with you.   
**Laverne:** Aww, what a letdown.  
**Dr. Tentacle:** Well, I'd best be going, I'm late for the show. I'll send your keeper for you…  
::Dr. Tentacle goes to leave, but stops at the foyer::  
**Dr. Tentacle: **Oh, right, I forgot- sit. Stay. Good boy.  
::Exit Dr. Tentacle. Laverne looks around the room… the lone light in the ceiling isn't enough to show off the entire place, but besides a few charts, some twitching things, and a set of Irken heads in formaldehyde, not much of note is here. Still, seeing as this is one of those adventure games, Laverne decides to take something anyway- the tentacle anatomy chart.::  
**Laverne:** Boy, I'd like to get one of them on the dissection table… I still can't figure out how they eat through a sucker.  
::Laverne heads out the door.::  
**Laverne: **Time to see what I can do about this brave new world…  
**Some other tentacle: **Woo-ee! You are one ugly human!  
**Laverne:** Excuse me? ::she turns swiftly, finding another tentacle behind a small desk.::  
**Some other tentacle:** Man, I am not kidding. You are the HOMELIEST homo sapien I've ever seen. ::he laughs at his little "joke".::  
**Laverne: **You know, I think you're trying to tell me something. The blue-skinned slimy freak with suckers where his eyes, mouth, and god-knows-what-else should be is telling me I'm ugly.  
**The blue-skinned slimy freak with suckers where his eyes, mouth, and god-knows-what-else should be: **You're ugly, all right- your hair alone's gonna give me nightmares. Not to mention your teeth, your clothes, your one eye that's bigger than the other.  
**Laverne:** Gee, how much worse can I get?  
**The blue-skinned slimy freak etc. etc.: **Not much, unless there were two of you.  
**Laverne:** That's nice. I think I'm going to kill you.  
**The blue-skinned slimy… oh, forget it.  
Tentacle:** Now, now, you'll never get into the human show with THAT attitude. Not to mention that face…  
**Laverne:** Human show? Why of all the-  
**Laverne's brain: **Quiet, you fool! It's your only hope!  
**Laverne:** ::gritting her teeth:: wonderful…. things… hot dang. I'm wetting myself at the thought. Sure, sign me up.  
**Tentacle:** Sorry, no humans can sign themselves up, no matter how ugly they are. Go ask your owner to sign you up. Ask them to sign you up for a haircut, while you're at it.  
**Laverne: **Hm… could I… sign another human up for the show?  
**Tentacle: **YOU can't do ANYTHING, humam. It's a tentacle's world. Only tentacles can vote, only tentacles can own property, and only tentacles can enter humans in the human show. Where have you been these past 200 years?  
**Laverne: **Hurtling through the time-space continuum in a cheap portable toilet, where else?  
**Tentacle:** Well, that explains the hair… Anyway, get back to your owner. Just because he's a masochist doesn't mean the rest of us should have to suffer.  
**Laverne:** Alright, alright. I'm off to go plot your death now.  
**Tentacle:** As long as you're doing it somewhere else.  
::So, having tired of the blue freak, Laverne enters the next door, and finds herself in the lobby, and seated on a bench nearby are the three human show contestants- one look at which makes Laverne want to reconsider the whole human-show idea. One is dressed up in admiral's gear, with a red Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut, horn-rimmed glasses, and combat boots, twiddling his thumbs mindlessly in his seat, looking like Ichabod Crane after sitting through all eighteen hours of Ken Burns' _Electric Football_. The next is dressed up like a model from Fredrick's of Jersey, with a 33-cent green dress, a yellow beehive, and a grin that just screams "crazy-glue". Then… there is Harold. His hair looks like a month-old Christmas tree, the green mountainous mass adorned with lights, gold stars, and a shiny moon on the top. His snooty maw is covered with glitter, and he sports a fashionable tutu- well, on a woman, it would be.::  
**Harold:** Who dares gaze upon my perfection?  
::A French accent. How predictable.::   
**Laverne: **Um, my name's Laverne. I'm a sophomore.  
**Harold:** My name iz Harold, I am a thoroughbred.  
**Laverne:** … riiiight… so you're the contestants for the human show, I'm gathering.  
**Harold:** Zat is true. Why, zinking about zinging up?  
**Laverne:** I was going to, but now that I've met you, I'm not so sure.  
**Harold**: Zat's right, don't even bo-zehr. My owner zays I'm going to win. I'm ze most beautiful human zere is.  
**Laverne:** That's… um, quite a tutu you have there. Know where I can pick one up?  
**Harold:** I wouldn't count on it, pea-zont. My owner paid quite a lot of money for it. My owner buys me anyzing in ze world I want.   
**Laverne: **And where would that "owner" of yours be?  
**Harold: **He iz not here right now. But he would be if it were at all pozzible. Hiz bus broke down in Pittzburgh, so he's ztuck zere with all the ozer owners.   
**Laverne: **So you're a pretty big wheel in the human show circuit, I gather.  
**Harold: **You got it. Actually, this one iz more practice for me- these rank amateurs beside me would do well to watch as I amaze our fair judges- and you would, too.  
**Laverne:** Excuse me?  
**Harold:** Well, it is not like you are much good to your owners if you are not beautiful, is it not?  
**Laverne: **Wait, what makes you think you can say that?  
**Harold: **Well, it'z pretty obvious, don't you zink? Your teeth, your clothez, your one eye that's bigger zhan ze other…  
**Laverne: **Remind me when I kill that other guy to knock you off too, would you?  
**Harold: **I get zat all ze time. Nobody's had ze guts, zough. Go now, scurry back to your owner zo zat you may continue to depress him with your mediocrity.  
::Laverne stomps off in a huff, unaware she's heading right for the door.::  
**Bushy-bearded Tentacle:** Hold it!  
**Laverne:** Huh?  
**Bushy-bearded Tentacle:** Humans aren't allowed to roam free here. I'm taking you back to the kennel. Come on, on your bike.  
**Laverne:** Wait! Um… my… owner's bus broke down in Pittsburgh too! Yeah, he's um… on his way?  
**Bushy-bearded Tentacle:** Nice try, human, but your ugliness spells "stray" all over. Let's go.  
**Laverne: **I'm really starting to hate this place.  
  
**Guard Tentacle:** It's about time you got back. I wish Dr. Tentacle would stop losing patients.  
**Laverne:** That's nice… say, you wouldn't be interested in sponsoring a human for the show, would you?  
**Guard Tentacle:** Gosh, that'd be sweet. I hear first prize is an evening at Club Tentacle.  
**Laverne:** Sounds nice, hmm?  
**Guard Tentacle:** Sure does! I could never eat there on my salary. Why, I'd just jump out of this chair and go right now if I had a shot at that.  
Laverne: So you'll sponsor me?  
**Guard Tentacle: **… oh, you meant YOU. I was thinking you could fix me up with one of those humans out there.  
**Laverne:** And what, pray tell, is wrong with me?  
**Guard Tentacle and Laverne in unison:** Your teeth, your clothes, your one eye that's bigger than the other.  
**Laverne:** I know, I know.  
**Guard Tentacle:** It'd sure be nice though. Thanks for the letdown.  
**Zed:** Don't feel so bad. He wouldn't sponsor me, either.  
**Laverne: **::shudder:: (I've got to find a way out of here…) um, yoohoo, mister tentacle guy?  
**Guard Tentacle:** What, what is it now?  
**Laverne: **Um, I have to go to the bathroom.  
**Guard Tentacle: **There's a laugh… imagine a human using a bathroom. Come on, I'll take you outside.  
  
**Guard Tentacle:** Go ahead, do your business.  
**Laverne:** I sure will.  
::Laverne goes around the fence to the back of the house, where she finds the Chron-o-john, right where it fell when the kumquat tree was unmade. She leans down and puts her face to the hole in the bottom, where she begins her cry for help.::  
**Laverne:** BERNARD, GET YOUR SCRAWNY BUTT OUT HERE! I KNOW YOU AND DR. FRED ARE IN THERE, BRING HIM TO! I'M GOING TO GET YOU BOTH FOR STRANDING ME HERE, SO HELP YOU GOD I WILL! I BET YOU'RE ALL COMFY IN THERE TOO, COME ON OUT! YOU GLASSES-WEARING FESTERING PILES OF PANCREATIC DISCHARGE! YOU COLON-IMPACTING PIECES OF BACKED-UP FECAL MATTER! I OUGHTTA CONNECT YOUR ADRENAL GLANDS TO YOUR GASTRO-INTESTINAL SYSTEM AND WATCH YOU CRAP YOURSELVES TO DEATH! I SWEAR, THE MOMENT I GET OUT OF HERE...  
  
  
_For the sake of the helpless stomachs of the audience, we're ending this chapter now.  
~The Management  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_


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